While looking for another book on my bookshelf, my eye caught the title Fences, Gates and Bridges and How to Build Them by George A. Martin, which is in our gardening section, and I immediately had the thought that is what we do (or should be doing) at different times in our lives.

Fences:

These are essentially boundaries that mark the division between two distinct things and signify there being no compromise. A work-related example of a fence would be “I don't work on weekends.” An emotional fence would be something like “I refuse to take verbal abuse from others.” Fences are very important because they are there to keep us safe, and draw a line.

Gates:

A gate is a boundary with the room for compromise. For gates to work correctly, the latch needs to be on your side of the property, meaning you call the shots. For example, “I don't work on weekends, but if a family member needs something and I am able to do it, I will.” Another example is “I can bake three dozen cookies, but I cannot man the bake sale table for 7 hours.” Essentially there is a willingness but without the feeling of being taken advantage of.

Bridges:


Bridges are how we interact with people we care about on a day-to-day basis. The direction walked across the bridge will ebb and flow depending on what is happening in the relationship. These can be close friendships, family, or partnerships. Sometimes we will constantly be walking across the bridge to help out a friend who is going through a tough time, but when the crisis has subsided, they too should be coming over across the bridge to our side to make sure we are in a balanced state, or to simply have a conversation and laugh together. The bridge has an open feeling to it, and that's why these pertain to our most intimate relationships where we can feel comfortable being vulnerable.

These structures can shift through our life and where there once was a fence, we now would like to put in a gate, or where there was once a bridge, we need to build a fence. In extreme cases, bridges may need to be torn down so that there is no crossing at all. Or an old bridge needs to be updated as our relationship goes through different cycles and matures.

It is an interesting and fun mental exercise to look at your life and see not only where your fences, gates, and bridges reside, but also in what areas they need to be built.